Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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