I think im going to throw up on grandma
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
