I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
