I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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