The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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