Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
