I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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