apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
