Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
how do you play pong handcuffed?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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