i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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