Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
