I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
