Swine flu. Run for my life!
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
