I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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