have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
