just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
