god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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