I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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