I could have mohawked her pubes.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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