He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
