I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize