I'm going to jail i love you
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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