I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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