Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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