Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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