Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
