OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
