New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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