Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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