Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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