My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
