If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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