The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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