My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
