Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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