u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
