I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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