So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I need to align my fucking chakras
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
