Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize