Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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