just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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