So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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