he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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