I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dicks are not precious.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
