In the future we'll all be gay
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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