I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
