one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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