I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
