That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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