The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
