I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
