Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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