Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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