I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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