Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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